So here comes the time where I tell the story about Roman's conception...
Roman was the least planned baby in the world. I had just applied for Uni. I was about to finish high school (I was a mature age student because I fell pregnant with Hunter in year 11). Hunter was 3 years old and was just at that stage where I could get my life back...
And then BANG... I was pregnant. Roman is the result of a very brief fling.
How I found out I was pregnant...
My friend Kirsty called me and said she thought she was pregnant. I told her go buy a test. She said she couldn't afford one. I said go to a bulk billing clinic. She said she wouldn't go alone. I said I'd go with her. She told me to do a test too. I told her there was no way I was pregnant because I'd only had sex once in the last 3 months and I was only one day late. She said please. I said okay.
So Kirsty, Kirsty's boyfriend and I all went to the bulk billing clinic to find out if Kirsty was pregnant.
We went there and waited in the waiting room. There was a super sexy guy and we laughed and joked about the posters on the wall... Kirsty's named got called out and while she was in there, my name got called out. I went into this tiny little room and peed in a jar. All this time I had never once for a second considered I might be pregnant. I'd had symptoms but had convinced myself they were nothing. I had implantation cramps, mood swings, sore boobs but put it down to stitch, bad day and hormonal...
Waiting in the room, the lady asked if I had unprotected sex. I told her the story about how we started out with a condom and how we finished without one. I gave her a graphic explanation about how I had to lay on my back and fish it out... So it totally counts as protected sex.
The lady took a look at the test and said "yep, that's a positive"... (No fucking way! It HAS to be a dodgy test. Stupid bitch can't even do a fucking pregnancy test) I started shaking. The lady asked me if I was okay but I couldn't even respond. I tried to leave but the nurse sat me back down and told me to breathe. She explained that I was in shock and hyperventilating and I just needed to calm down and then I could go. I have no idea how long it was before I actually had the strength to walk out of that room but when I opened the door, Kirsty and her boyfriend were looking pretty impatient. I looked at them and said "I'm pregnant".. They laughed at me thinking it was all a really big joke. Kirsty was pregnant too! That was enough to cause me to break down bawling. Kirsty's boyfriend had to help me walk out of the clinic because I couldn't walk. I couldn't do anything but cry. There was not an ounce of happiness in my body. I felt only anger at myself and anger at the fucked up sperm who thought it would be a good idea to find itself a home in my egg and then in bed itself on my uterus.
I still wasn't convinced on the whole being pregnant thing so instead of going to the city for shopping as I had planned, I went to the closest chemist and bought another test. That pregnancy test was also a dud, as it showed two lines.
I decided to call the father and tell him. He said he would call me back after work (It was a Friday). I didn't hear from him for 3 days so I called him.
I spent all of the weekend crying. I couldn't stop. I had 8 friends come over during that 3 day period to try and calm me down and none could. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I was trying to think what the hell I was going to do.
On Monday morning I checked the mail and the last thing I wanted to see was in there... My acceptance letter to University. I broke down crying at the letterbox. That changed everything. I'd been accepted into uni. A baby would COMPLETELY ruin EVERYTHING... I think I made the decision then and there to terminate the pregnancy but was feeling really guilty.
I don't believe in god but surely there must be a reason that this little monster is here? Sex once in 3 months and I'm pregnant. I ran through all the reasons why this could be happening. Was I being punished? (Not likely, I am a nice moral girl) Was this baby the next Jesus? Maybe it happened so Hunter could have a sibling? Maybe I was being used as a martyr to teach the father a lesson. (To this day I still believe that)
I couldn't think of one good reason to keep the baby but I also wasn't comfortable with abortion. We were irresponsible. I knew the condom had failed the minute it happened. I could have gotten the morning after pill, but I didn't. Why should this baby be punished for my stupidity?
At 8 weeks I finally made the gut wrenching decision to terminate the pregnancy. The father (let's call him Matthew), picked me up and drove me to the appointment. We got there at 7am and I looked like shit. I had trackpants and a hoodie and I will never forget how horrible I felt. We sat in the waiting room after giving them my details and was told it would cost $340. Matthew was more than happy to pay that...
They called my name and I went in and spoke to the counselor. I broke down. She asked why I was crying and I said it's because I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. She looked at how far I was, closed her book and told me they would not be sucking that fetus out of me today. (My words, not hers) She told me to go home, have a think about it and make an appointment for a couple of weeks. It was an awkward drive home.
I got a phone call from Kirsty saying she'd had a miscarriage. I was so jealous. I couldn't talk to her because I couldn't understand why she had gotten out of it so easily. She also had trouble talking to me because she was jealous my baby had survived.
At 10 and a half weeks I made the decision that an abortion was the best way to go. There was no choice and I was very content with my decision. We made the appointment for that Saturday (I would have been 11 weeks) and it was all booked in... But then, I got the flu. To this day I have never had a worse flu and I've caught swine flu since then!!! They wouldn't give me the abortion because of the breathing complications from the flu. FUCK!!! My lungs didn't clear until I was almost 15 weeks pregnant. Well over the normal vacuum suck abortion time frame. I had to keep this baby... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...
Once I told Matthew I had to keep the baby he told me to never contact him again. He wanted nothing to do with the baby or me.
I went into complete denial. I often forgot I was pregnant until I looked down at my swollen belly. I didn't tell my family I was pregnant until I was around 19-20 weeks as I was so embarrassed to be having another baby single. I didn't tell my friends I was pregnant until I was around 34 weeks and that is if I told them at all... I tried to keep my pregnancy hidden from as many people as I could. When I'd run into people I knew, I'd suck my belly in and avoid eye contact.
It's horrible to say this, but I don't think I loved him until I was 36-37 weeks pregnant. I spent most of my pregnancy upset that I was having another baby. I put on 40 kilos because all I would do was eat and sleep and go to school. I did graduate high school at 30 weeks pregnant.
Roman is now 2 and I love him to death. I hate myself for feeling the way I did about him and I may not completely understand the reason he is here and why he came into my life at the time he did, but I am glad he chose me to be his mum.
I can not get rid of the baby weight. I see a personal trainer 3 times a week and it still won't budge. I think I would feel a lot better about everything if I could just get back to my post Hunter size.
I completely, 100% blame Roman for making me fat...
THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WEAK ON A GUY:
