Relationships...

Tonight on Facebook, I thought it would be a good idea to ask my friends how hold they were and what was the longest relationship they had ever been in. The results shocked me.

I thought being 23 and only having a relationship for 4 months was normal. Apparently not. I had the shortest relationship. Coming in at a not very close second, was my friend A with 19 months. 19 MONTHS!!?? She is only 18.

Tonight I was shown that I am not relationship material and EVERYONE on my friends list is!

Moving on.

We've all had that friend who is amazing and always there until they get a boyfriend, right? Well, I too am experiencing this at the moment.

A friend of mine has recently found herself in a very serious relationship. She is ready to move on to a new stage of her life; marriage, kids and the white picket fence.

I am no where near that stage in my life and can't help but feel this is the end of our friendship. It's not bitter or jealousy, I don't think she is making a mistake, I just don't want to move on to this chapter yet. I don't want to be the single friend that hangs out with the engaged couple all the time. I don't want to be the third wheel in every situation. The fact I have also flat out refused to meet the new boyfriend is also going to make things hard.

So I am left with two options. Option one, I can find myself a nice partner so we can all hang out together (which would mean meeting him) or option two, I can leave the friend to pursue her new life and wish her well.

We all know where I stand on relationships. There is a sure fail way to never get hurt and that is to never care. I won't allow myself to date someone because to date them is to like them and to like them is to care when they leave. I'd rather get heavily medicated for my cat allergy and die alone with a lot of cats than ever put myself in the situation to be hurt, publicly humiliated and treated like shit.

A lot of people say "but you might not get a guy like that!" If only that were true. I don't attract nice guys. Nice guys don't look twice at me. I attract people who need help and are in a bad place in their life. I have a sign above my head that only men can read that says "I'll help you because I'm too nice and I can't say no to people who need help"... And because of that sign, I can not be trusted to get in a relationship.

I have slept with, well, quite a few people. Not one of them was a 'nice guy'. Quite a few had been to jail or were on their way, pretty much all of the rest were underdogs who needed help and a rock.

Do not get me wrong, I do NOT want to be with these kinds of people, but they are what I attract and I honestly do not know how to change that. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I am at university, I have a nice place, a car and I am a moral, law abiding citizen yet I attract dick heads.

So I am not ready to move on to the stage with my friend and to be honest, I don't think she is overly keen to have me tag along.

Good thing about me is I don't miss people because even after 5 years of friendship, I wouldn't say I'm attached to her, kind of a defence mechanism, I guess...

Yes, I whinge, a lot...

I don't cope very well with pain. I can push two huge babies out of my vagina without any pain relief, but I can not have a blocked nose for a few days and sit there in silence. I need to constantly whinge about it and hope that the more I whinge, the quicker I will get over my sickness. It hasn't worked thus far but I'm still trying!

I'm in bed with a blocked nose, aching head and sore throat. From the way I'm acting, you'd think I was dying. (I just have a head cold)

This is one of the only times in my life that I think having a partner would be a positive thing. Someone to make me soup, go get me lemonade and listen to me complain.

But until I find a sexy man with lots of tattoos, that doesn't mind me whinging, knows how to cook, has no kids but doesn't want any yet is happy to accept mine, I'll have to keep complaining to my Facebook friends...

Reap what you sow...

I had a comment left on my Birthday entry, written by anonymous (I love that). I had written about how unimportant my Birthday is and the comment said "You reap what you sow"...

You have no idea how much I wish this was true! For if it was, my Birthday would have had a week long celebration with a public holiday on the Monday.

I am always the greatest friend. I surprise my friends with flowers when they're sick. I pick them up from hospital after surgeries. I defend them when they are being bullied. I buy them underwear when I see some on sale. I would love to have me as a friend. Don't get me wrong, I can be moody and demanding, but I'm still a generous, thoughtful, kind person.

Yet, when I need someone, they're too busy or in relationships with dick-heads so I'm not a priority. I am so over girls putting boys before their friends. In fact, I'm kind of over girls all together. All of my friends are in their early 20's, so when do they stop being bitchy and skanky and start being good friends?

It's my Birthday and I'll write a blog if I want to...

Tomorrow I am 23. Not an overly important Birthday but not one that should be dismissed by any stretch of the imagination.

What will I be doing for my Birthday you ask? ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING!

My best friend decided that my Birthday wasn't important and that she would plan it so she had no money to do anything.

Hunter won't miss the Easter Parade to come hang out with me.

Pretty much, my Birthday doesn't register as important on anyone's agenda.

I know I have a princess attitude! I have never doubted this. I don't think I should have a Birthday, but a Birth-Week. It is the one day a year that is all about me. Christmas, Easter and other holidays are all shared. But on the 14th of April, 23 years ago, my mother pushed me out of her vagina thus adding me to the world and I want it fucking celebrated.

I spend almost every Birthday crying but this is a promise to myself that this is the last year. Next year will be awesome. I will make it that way. I will have my Birthday week and it will be AMAZING... And to everyone who lets this Birthday pass and be less than magical, you will NOT be at the next one!!

Saying I try and live by...

"If you were born where they were born,

and were taught what they were taught,

you would believe what they believe..."

I'm a lyrical genius, I know...

So I like to write Sam corny, pointless poems... ALL THE TIME... Today, Sam and I went through her profile as far back as May 2010 to find all the poems I had written her...

A typical poem:

There was a little hottie,
And her name was Sam.
She liked expensive things,
And could manipulate any man.

One day she met a friend,
which of whom she should be wary.
But the two were so much alike,
It was almost scary.

One day Sam let her friend,
Stay alone at Sam's place.
The friend humped all of her pillows,
And sniffed her undies of lace.

She ate all of Sam's food,
And even took some home for dinner.
The friend tampered with the scales,
So Sam would never appear thinner.

All this time had gone by,
And poor Sam was still out making money.
But what is worse is the friends attitude;
She finds this hilariously funny.

So the moral of the story,
If you haven't already guessed.
Is that Sam is a great person,
and this terrible friend is truly blessed!!!

It made me realise how special mine and Sam's friendship is. Sometimes I forget that it's not every day you find someone who will let you feel their cervix and not care that you don't have a gynecologist degree.

Our friendship works for us. A lot of people honestly believe we are gay. But to be honest, I couldn't think of a better girlfriend to be rumoured with... (She has fake boobs! Street cred just sky rocketed!!)

The List

I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I have shit days. Everything sucks. I feel fat, ugly, tired and I sit there and mentally put myself down.

A few months ago, I decided to write a list of all the things I was proud of achieving in my life. Now whenever I am having a horrible day, I read this list to myself and I remember I'm (probably) not the fuck up I think I am...

I think everyone should write a list like this. I can't be bothered getting out of bed to get mine from my computer desk, so I'll tell you a few...

I am proud of:

• Not having a criminal record
• Breastfeeding both of my kids past 2 years old
• Giving birth to both of my children drug free
• Giving birth to Roman at home
• Getting my drivers licence only 10 days later than legally possible
• Never losing a point off my licence
• Finishing year 12 while pregnant and parenting
• Getting accepted into uni
• Knowing how to say "I love the penis" in 5 different languages
• Living in the same house for over 3 years
• Cutting my mother out of my life
• Having true friends
• Living in another country
• Having nice furniture
• Buying myself my car outright
• Being a moral, kind, funny, confident person

Seriously, write yourself a list. It helps on those shit days...

When I grow up...

I have an assignment due at the end of this week. I should not be on Facebook... Or writing this Blog entry for that matter.

It's hard to put time and effort into something when you don't know if it's what you truly want to do with your life.

I want the boys to go to Brisbane Boys Grammar School. I am not going to get them there with no qualifications and my lazy attitude. I need to change both of these in order to succeed in life.

In 20 years I want to have amazing (catered) Christmas lunches surrounded by my happily married sons and their children. I want to have a wonderful relationship with them and them to know I did everything I could to give them the best start to life.

I really need to focus on something and not change my career goal every month. I thought I wanted to do Justice/Law so badly, until I actually got accepted.

Picking a career sucks.

Unjust punishment...

I am lazy. I have never denied that. Tonight, like almost every other night, I couldn't be bothered cooking... So I went to order pizza (that I REALLY can't afford) but stopped myself... I said self, get clothes on, get in your car and go to Coles and do your grocery shopping... So I threw on my ugly gray track pants and my big, baggy Adidas hoodie, didn't worry about make up to hide my unusually terrible skin and I thought this was a great idea! I was really proud of myself for not being lazy...

I get to Coles and I am there for 10 seconds before a see a guy I haven't seen in 2 years almost to the day. (On the 6th of April it will have been 2 years)... Why would the universe punish me in such a way? I would have liked to see him when I had straightened hair, make up on and was looking thin. I was crushed.

This isn't a boy I've slept with. We did spend an intoxicated night asleep on top of my dining table for my 20th birthday, but other than that, nothing more than sexual innuendo and jokes.

I believe I was punished for trying to do the right thing.

Lesson I learnt today: ALWAYS order take away over cooking...

My type of guy...

After my last entry, I thought I would use Google Images to show you my perfect guy!!

You may notice a trend....

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WEAK ON A GUY:

Full sleeve tattoos
Neck tattoos

Chest tattoos

Stretched ears

Shaved heads

Bad attitudes

Complete respect for women

Employment

Hilux

And a big... Oh look at the time...

My sex ban..

It's been a while since those words have left my mouth. I am sure everyone is wondering where I now stand with this issue..

To give you the run down, I took a vow of celibacy in October 2008 when I was about 3 months pregnant with my second son. I did this in order to get to know me. I know that sounds rather stupid, but that was my reasoning. I wanted to get to know myself away from a partner or a boy I liked. I wanted to build my self confidence and spend time with my children and for the most part, it worked.

I would say I have a lot more confidence than I did this time 2 years ago. I am unsure whether it's because I have gotten older and wiser, whether having a second child is the reason or whether the sex ban did it. I personally think it was a combination of all 3.

I have a history of picking assholes. It's like I had an inbuilt radar in my brain that subconsciously beeps every time an asshole is near me. My brain mistakes these beeps as green lights instead of the warning signals they are designed to be.

The sex ban went strong until December last year. I am unsure why I broke it and what softened my 'ice cold heart' but I took a chance... It ended horribly but I'm not bitter or deterred at all. It's like something changed. I do not want a relationship, I am not about to join an internet dating site to find me a husband... But I was in a relationship, it ended and I survived. I did have to have a one night stand to mentally prove a point afterwards, but other than that, it was a really educational experience.

So I've had sex with 2 people since October 2008 and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I proved to myself that I could do it and that is the only person I need to prove anything to in this life.

Miss Hollie- Honorable discharge from her sex ban...

Hairy Legs...

Okay, so as a female it is expected of me that I always have perfectly smooth, hair free legs. This used to be the case, before I had kids. Now however, with energy levels and time restraints, I find myself lacking in this department.

Right now, it's been about 10 days since I shaved my legs. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't wear shorts and I don't have any real immediate need to shave them except for one thing... Hairy legs ruin my dreams!!

In a dream I had last night, I was about to go home with someone famous when it suddenly dawned to me that I hadn't shaved my legs. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Even in dreams, I often find myself sneaking into someones bathroom to shave my legs. I don't know why my subconscious can believe that I'm going home with someone famous but chooses to follow the laws of reality when it comes to my leg hairs.

It has now gotten to the point where I have to shave my legs for the purpose of dreams and when I do this, I have smooth legs in my subconscious. I'm not sure this is normal...

Not giving a ...

Today a friend of mine said that she wants to start a blog, as I have. She then told me she was scared of being judged on what she wrote and asked me how I do it. I had to think for a second and then realised, I have absolutely no idea.

I realised along time ago that people probably will judge me based on what I write on Facebook, on this Blog and what I say in real life... The thing is, I don't care.

None of my actions affect anyone but me. I know that at the end of the day I am a good mother, a moral person and someone worth knowing. I am not writing about cheating on my boyfriend or sleeping with my best friend's boyfriend. I don't steal or intentionally hurt anyone. I don't care about society's acceptance of men having one night stands and it's disapproval for women doing it. I don't care what people think of me because they don't know me.

The only thing that I do worry about getting judged on is my parents. I love my dad, do not get me wrong, but he has chosen to lead a life that is not overly law abiding. My mother chose the same life. I would hate people to think that because that's what I grew up with, that's what kind of person I am.

Writing that my parents went to jail in this blog was actually really hard for me. I am not proud of that at all. I WISH I had normal parents that had normal jobs and did normal things. Fuck, I'd even sacrifice normal for legal! But that's not them and they aren't me.

I am 22 and I have no criminal record. I've never lost a demerit point off my drivers licence. I don't do drugs or sell them. I have no intentions of selling body! (let's be honest, after having Roman, who would want to buy it!!?) I just want to be a normal, law abiding citizen. I want a tax paying job, I want a mortgage and a car loan. I don't want quick, easy money the way they did. I never want to risk leaving my kids. I am nothing like my mother and I will prove that at every opportunity I get.

So moral of the story, judge me all you want. Confidence is a wonderful thing. My children are my world and I am this person for them. Nothing is more important than them and never will be. And to anyone who thinks less of me for actually having the confidence to say what I am thinking, I can guarantee you've thought worse...

Broken Hearted

Alright, so for a year and a half I have been pining over this dad from Hunter's school. His daughter was in Hunter's class last year and his son is in Hunter's class this year. The dad has tattoos all over his arms and legs and is super super super sexy...

Well today Hunter was invited to a little boy's Birthday party that is in his class. I had a pretty strong feeling that sexy dad's son was also going but was unsure if it was sexy dad's weekend or whether the mother would be taking him... Turns out it was the mother's weekend...

It didn't take long for the conversation to turn onto men. She told me that her ex partner was an asshole and hardly had the kids and just wanted to go out all the time. My heart broke in two. She completely ruined the image I had in my head. (I of course didn't tell her I'd imagined having sex with her ex before. Kind of didn't come up)... And what was worse than finding out he was an asshole, was finding out she was LOVELY... So now I'm going to feel guilty even thinking about him...

So a kids birthday party ruined 18 months of fantasizing. I now know that my sexy dad is not all I thought he was and I am going to have to find another dad to visually stalk...

One night stand only stands for one night...

Alright, I know I just wrote an entry but I have to vent...

I just had ANOTHER missed call from, let's call him, 'Mark'... Mark and I had sex ONCE and it was TERRIBLE. I mean beyond terrible. I completely ignored his calls and text messages for a good month until he called me from another number. I of course answered but as soon as I found out it was him, I told him I had to go and made up several excuses on the spot as to why I couldn't see him again.

Girls have this reputation of being clingy but I have met quite a few guys who are in the stage 5 clinger category. Why won't this guy get the message that I'm not into him? I'm sure I was amazing but there is no reason to keep calling when I've made myself perfectly clear where I stand. Plus, I was completely honest with him. I told him I was only having sex with him because I had just broken up with someone and they were with someone else so I wanted to sleep with someone else too.

My advice, be careful who you give your number out to...

Dreams are free...

WHAT I WANT...

WHAT I CAN AFFORD...

New Car

In 12 weeks, I am buying a new car. Well, it won't be brand new, but it will be new for me. I have already started looking so I can know the market and know what kind of a car I can get with my money...

Car shopping physically excites me! I can not wait. I have had my current car for almost 2 years and that is the longest I have ever owned a car. I got my licence at 15 (New Zealand) and have owned around 20 cars in 7 years. It is nothing for me to have a 4 cars in a 12 month period. I get bored very easily and have written a couple off. (Once I bought this Lancer, owned it for 6 weeks and wrote it off and another car... ooops) So after being stuck with the same, reliable car for 2 years, I am more than ready to upgrade.

I have always had the dream to own a 5 bedroom house, own a Golden Retriever, kids in private school and drive a 4 wheel drive. That is my ultimate goal. Unfortunately, right now I can't afford my 4WD. I have been forced to look at smaller cars but they don't support the image I want to portray. I want to be a typical house wife. I want to cook, clean, drive the boys to soccer practice in my Nissan Xtrail and always have my nails done...

Now I need to find a car within my budget that doesn't compromise this image. I can't think of anything. Hyundai Getz screams P plater. Suzuki Swift screams slut. Holden Commodore says I'm a bogan. Toyota Corolla says grandma... All of this has lead me to look at the Kia Rio. Not many people understand my obsession with the Kia Rio. I understand it's not overly family orientated but it's super cute and I can't think of any stigmas attached to it. (Please, if you know any, let me know!!) I would also consider a newer Nissan Pulsar ie. 2004+... Car must be black or white.

Car shopping is so fun and I can not wait for another 12 weeks when I have a cute car with power steering. But I have to wonder, am I really that shallow that I would take into consideration the type of car I drive? I know I am the most shallow person I know and probably the most shallow person you know, but is a car going too far? After all, it is just a car, right?

Oh well, I'm off to keep looking... Car shopping is so fun!!

DTF

Yep, title pretty much says it all... One of the only down falls of being single...

Roman made me fat

So here comes the time where I tell the story about Roman's conception...

Roman was the least planned baby in the world. I had just applied for Uni. I was about to finish high school (I was a mature age student because I fell pregnant with Hunter in year 11). Hunter was 3 years old and was just at that stage where I could get my life back...

And then BANG... I was pregnant. Roman is the result of a very brief fling.

How I found out I was pregnant...

My friend Kirsty called me and said she thought she was pregnant. I told her go buy a test. She said she couldn't afford one. I said go to a bulk billing clinic. She said she wouldn't go alone. I said I'd go with her. She told me to do a test too. I told her there was no way I was pregnant because I'd only had sex once in the last 3 months and I was only one day late. She said please. I said okay.

So Kirsty, Kirsty's boyfriend and I all went to the bulk billing clinic to find out if Kirsty was pregnant.

We went there and waited in the waiting room. There was a super sexy guy and we laughed and joked about the posters on the wall... Kirsty's named got called out and while she was in there, my name got called out. I went into this tiny little room and peed in a jar. All this time I had never once for a second considered I might be pregnant. I'd had symptoms but had convinced myself they were nothing. I had implantation cramps, mood swings, sore boobs but put it down to stitch, bad day and hormonal...

Waiting in the room, the lady asked if I had unprotected sex. I told her the story about how we started out with a condom and how we finished without one. I gave her a graphic explanation about how I had to lay on my back and fish it out... So it totally counts as protected sex.

The lady took a look at the test and said "yep, that's a positive"... (No fucking way! It HAS to be a dodgy test. Stupid bitch can't even do a fucking pregnancy test) I started shaking. The lady asked me if I was okay but I couldn't even respond. I tried to leave but the nurse sat me back down and told me to breathe. She explained that I was in shock and hyperventilating and I just needed to calm down and then I could go. I have no idea how long it was before I actually had the strength to walk out of that room but when I opened the door, Kirsty and her boyfriend were looking pretty impatient. I looked at them and said "I'm pregnant".. They laughed at me thinking it was all a really big joke. Kirsty was pregnant too! That was enough to cause me to break down bawling. Kirsty's boyfriend had to help me walk out of the clinic because I couldn't walk. I couldn't do anything but cry. There was not an ounce of happiness in my body. I felt only anger at myself and anger at the fucked up sperm who thought it would be a good idea to find itself a home in my egg and then in bed itself on my uterus.

I still wasn't convinced on the whole being pregnant thing so instead of going to the city for shopping as I had planned, I went to the closest chemist and bought another test. That pregnancy test was also a dud, as it showed two lines.

I decided to call the father and tell him. He said he would call me back after work (It was a Friday). I didn't hear from him for 3 days so I called him.

I spent all of the weekend crying. I couldn't stop. I had 8 friends come over during that 3 day period to try and calm me down and none could. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I was trying to think what the hell I was going to do.

On Monday morning I checked the mail and the last thing I wanted to see was in there... My acceptance letter to University. I broke down crying at the letterbox. That changed everything. I'd been accepted into uni. A baby would COMPLETELY ruin EVERYTHING... I think I made the decision then and there to terminate the pregnancy but was feeling really guilty.

I don't believe in god but surely there must be a reason that this little monster is here? Sex once in 3 months and I'm pregnant. I ran through all the reasons why this could be happening. Was I being punished? (Not likely, I am a nice moral girl) Was this baby the next Jesus? Maybe it happened so Hunter could have a sibling? Maybe I was being used as a martyr to teach the father a lesson. (To this day I still believe that)

I couldn't think of one good reason to keep the baby but I also wasn't comfortable with abortion. We were irresponsible. I knew the condom had failed the minute it happened. I could have gotten the morning after pill, but I didn't. Why should this baby be punished for my stupidity?

At 8 weeks I finally made the gut wrenching decision to terminate the pregnancy. The father (let's call him Matthew), picked me up and drove me to the appointment. We got there at 7am and I looked like shit. I had trackpants and a hoodie and I will never forget how horrible I felt. We sat in the waiting room after giving them my details and was told it would cost $340. Matthew was more than happy to pay that...

They called my name and I went in and spoke to the counselor. I broke down. She asked why I was crying and I said it's because I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. She looked at how far I was, closed her book and told me they would not be sucking that fetus out of me today. (My words, not hers) She told me to go home, have a think about it and make an appointment for a couple of weeks. It was an awkward drive home.

I got a phone call from Kirsty saying she'd had a miscarriage. I was so jealous. I couldn't talk to her because I couldn't understand why she had gotten out of it so easily. She also had trouble talking to me because she was jealous my baby had survived.

At 10 and a half weeks I made the decision that an abortion was the best way to go. There was no choice and I was very content with my decision. We made the appointment for that Saturday (I would have been 11 weeks) and it was all booked in... But then, I got the flu. To this day I have never had a worse flu and I've caught swine flu since then!!! They wouldn't give me the abortion because of the breathing complications from the flu. FUCK!!! My lungs didn't clear until I was almost 15 weeks pregnant. Well over the normal vacuum suck abortion time frame. I had to keep this baby... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...

Once I told Matthew I had to keep the baby he told me to never contact him again. He wanted nothing to do with the baby or me.

I went into complete denial. I often forgot I was pregnant until I looked down at my swollen belly. I didn't tell my family I was pregnant until I was around 19-20 weeks as I was so embarrassed to be having another baby single. I didn't tell my friends I was pregnant until I was around 34 weeks and that is if I told them at all... I tried to keep my pregnancy hidden from as many people as I could. When I'd run into people I knew, I'd suck my belly in and avoid eye contact.

It's horrible to say this, but I don't think I loved him until I was 36-37 weeks pregnant. I spent most of my pregnancy upset that I was having another baby. I put on 40 kilos because all I would do was eat and sleep and go to school. I did graduate high school at 30 weeks pregnant.

Roman is now 2 and I love him to death. I hate myself for feeling the way I did about him and I may not completely understand the reason he is here and why he came into my life at the time he did, but I am glad he chose me to be his mum.

I can not get rid of the baby weight. I see a personal trainer 3 times a week and it still won't budge. I think I would feel a lot better about everything if I could just get back to my post Hunter size.

I completely, 100% blame Roman for making me fat...